Martyrdom or Vengeance? Part 4

Well, the stats are in! 33% of you said you'd tell your children to "Fight Back", 16% advised them to "Call for Help", 0% said "Turn the other cheek", while 50% aren't really sure what to say.

I appreciate that honesty. A few months ago, I wasn't sure either. Nor did I know how to handle the sibling conflicts that inevitably arise in our home...

"Mom-my!" the high-pitched whine is enough to cause the sturdiest Mother to groan. We all know what it means: brother or sister has done something,- again! Then come the feet, pounding resolutely into the room as the child airs their grievance, hoping for justice.

What do you do? Well, sometimes we rush to their rescue and punish the offender. Other times, we ignore the complaint and pray for a distraction. On a different occasion we may crawl all over the "victim" and accuse them of tattling. But if none of those options fit our mood, we just scream, "Why can't y'all be nice?!"

I think we fail to remember that home is a training-ground for life. If we can't teach our children to handle conflicts with their siblings, then we haven't done our job!

As I was meditating on this dilemma a few months back, the passage in Matthew 18 came to mind. In verses 15-16, Christ sets a pattern for dealing with conflicts that arise in the Church. "Go to your brother," He says, "and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you've gained a brother. If not, then go back with two or three witnesses..."

We don't usually act that way. Typically, when we're wronged, we either lash out at the guilty party and "give them a piece of our minds" or we adopt a martyr-complex and tell everyone we meet how "so-and-so" treated us.

Why is that? Maybe because we haven't learned to solve conflicts correctly. And, as I considered these things, the thought came to me, "if the family is a picture of the church (Eph 5) then why wouldn't that biblical pattern work for siblings?"

That's why our family has adopted the two-step rule. Now, instead of the above options, all I have to do is hold up two fingers and the children remember to handle their problem correctly.

Step One: Go to the offender kindly and sweetly. Look them in the eye and tell them what they did wrong, "Joanna, I was still playing with that toy, may I please have it back."

Sometimes the offense was quite by accident. Approaching them like this gives them the chance to apologize! No one likes a tattle-tale, one who tries to get others in trouble. So, let them have the opportunity to repent.

Step Two: If they refuse to listen, then take the matter to a higher power, quietly and humbly. "Mom, I asked Felicity kindly and sweetly, but she will not give the toy back to me."

Then the matter is left Mom's hands. They are not demanding justice, but stating facts and allowing the authority to decide the verdict.

Can you imagine the difference this would make in our homes and churches? What if every wife, instead of getting angry or sulking, would speak to her husband honestly and then let God work in his heart? Wouldn't our families be benefited? What if church members followed this biblical pattern too?

It takes courage to do the right thing; to look the offender in the eye and confront the problem. But that is what the Lord has commanded. I look back over my life and see some huge conflicts that probably could have been resolved if I had only followed these steps! How it would have saved myself and those I love so much grief!

I can't go back and change the past. But as I draw this article to a conclusion, it is my fervent prayer that we can all teach our children (and ourselves) how to handle conflicts without "Martyrdom" or "Vengeance".

~Blessings!